It's 1:34 am, and AGAIN I cannot sleep. I am tired, but when I actually lay down to sleep, I am always wide awake. This gets old day after day. But then again, that is my life. Day after day after day, same old crap. I have so many emotions and thoughts right now, but I don't know where to start. Guess I'll start with living in Newark......
I hate it here. This city sucks, and with 3 murders this past weekend (60 since the beginning of the yr.), it doesn't make me like it any better. Now don't get me wrong- living thisclose to Manhattan rocks, but we rarely go there. We rarely go anywhere anymore. I just want to move away. Far, far away. I am a West coast girl, I love California (or anywhere near there). I love Salt Lake City (didn't when I lived there, but I so despertely miss the familiarity of it all). I love anywhere but here. I don't want to raise Ella here. People are disrespectful, rude, and just plain disgusting. Everywhere I go, people spit on the sidewalks. Every shop I go to, the cashiers couldn't care less, they will continue with what they are doing while ringing me up (talking on the phone, gossiping with other workers, etc...). On the city subway, mom's are yelling and screaming at thier smal children, because I guess they are having a bad day and enjoy taking it out on them. These scenes happen ALL THE TIME. I am just so sick of it. It kills me to see the poor child, hiding his tear streaked face in embarrissment, because his mom is angry at life. I wish I could take that kid away and give him a better one. But I can't even seem to be able to take care of my own kid and give her the life she deserves.
While in Ireland 5 years ago, I fell in love with the small town Irish living. I remember we were driving down a long country road one gorgeous sunny day, and passing a father and young son and thier many cows. The young boy waved and smiled as we slowly drove by. That was one of my favorite memories of all time. A life on a farm in the Irish countryside. Makes me wish on occasion I had that life! Sure, it would be hard for me NOW to live like that, but if I were raised on a beautiful Irish farm, I wouldn't know any better :). It just seems so peaceful.
I hate living in the "future". When Johnny gets his raise, when we go on a trip, when we do this and that, blah blah blah........always WHEN. When it happens. This time last year I thought our finances would be so much better, and we would stop using the word WHEN. I want to live in the hear and now. I swear, most days I feel life is passing me by :(. I have accomplished absolutely NOTHING this year (so disappointed in myself). Most everyone else in my family has, and I feel a little left behind. Both brothers are engaged (so excited for them!), my nephew is moving out of state (yeah Brian!), and my mom started a great new job she loves (VERY proud of you, mom!). But when I look back, I haven't done much of anything. Oh well, such is life. Depression sucks when it takes over your life. I need to get out of this ugh state I have been in. I want to feel good about life. I want to feel good at being a great mom. And I desperetely want to feel good at being a great wife. I don't feel good at much of anything lately, especially the last two things.
Ok, it's 2:10. I am going to attempt falling asleep. On these sleepless nights, morning comes all too soon.
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2 comments:
I agree with most everything EXCEPT - you have done something VERY important - raising Ella to be smart, kind, sweet and respectful. That is the most important job in the WORLD - don't fool yourself into thinking it's not. Remember whe April & I were out there? We took a drive to that small town where Maureen's Dad's restaurant was? Go to that town again. Walk the strets with Ella. Have a giant sandwich at that general store- quiet small town life is closer than you think. You cn have a mini-vacation right there.
I do love that your memory of your travels includes what to most might seem an insignificant moment. That shows me your true self - one who is kind, thoughtful and sweet.
All is not so well with the world - no matter where you're living. But I know how scared and dissapointed you are. I would be too. But make your part of the world pretty, kind and safe. God is watching and He'll take care of those who ask for His help - I truly believe that. Now, go off to sleep and have Johnny tell you the last thing at night - "Sweet Dreams"!
Love you tonzzzz, Mumsy
Brandi, I get that way as well. Some days it just feels that we are doing the same thing over and over again.
Its like at one time we are carefree, forgiving and the world is ours, ours to discover and everyday something new and exciting to do.
Then we get older,and we tend to feel like we have been clipped of our wings.
Our world has turned from new and exciting to, saddness and distruciton.
Its silly, just last night, my dd shared her pop with another child. I cringed at the thought of that... EWW.. no way in hell, I would share my pop with someone I dont know....but 15 years ago, I was sharing a beer with a total stranger. The whole time I thinking of germs, where that kids mouth has been and other crazy thoughts, when my DD was only thinking .. she wanted to be nice and share. I wish I could have just a little bit of her unconditional kindness.
I wouldnt do that now for sure.
I know its hard to adjust to this day and age. It seemed life was more simple when we were younger.
But if you think about it, maybe it really wasn't. Maybe we actally see things for what they are now. This is the world we live in and in order for it to be brighter we have to add the light.
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