Friday, August 31, 2007
Some pics of Ellllllllla!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Every morning, when we wake....
Me: "Did you have sweet dreams?"
Ella: "YES!"
Me: "What did you dream about?"
Ella: "Butterflies. And horses, and rainbows, and frogs, and shopping, and airplanes, and mommy, and daddy, and babies....."
The list goes on and on. I love it- one of the best things about waking up. We have been lucky, Ella is always her happiest right when she wakes up (and I admit, I am always my grumpiest- but having her beautiful smile in my face helps).
In less then 2 weeks, I will be leaving for the weekend to go to my brother's wedding (THANKS Jeff and Rachael, I am soooo excited!). I am both excited, but a bit sad to leave Ella. The longest I have ever been away from her is overnight, when she spends the occasional night at my in-laws. I have EVERY faith in Johnny that he is going to take the best care of her, but it's also so hard. He doesn't know our routine. he doesn't know what outfits she can wear to the playground, and what she can't. He doesn't know how to do her hair cute, or even what brush to use. He doesn't know what ballerina outfit is her favorite. There is lot's to learn! Thank God for cell phones...... I can only imagine there will be ALOT of calling back and forth.
Ella: "YES!"
Me: "What did you dream about?"
Ella: "Butterflies. And horses, and rainbows, and frogs, and shopping, and airplanes, and mommy, and daddy, and babies....."
The list goes on and on. I love it- one of the best things about waking up. We have been lucky, Ella is always her happiest right when she wakes up (and I admit, I am always my grumpiest- but having her beautiful smile in my face helps).
In less then 2 weeks, I will be leaving for the weekend to go to my brother's wedding (THANKS Jeff and Rachael, I am soooo excited!). I am both excited, but a bit sad to leave Ella. The longest I have ever been away from her is overnight, when she spends the occasional night at my in-laws. I have EVERY faith in Johnny that he is going to take the best care of her, but it's also so hard. He doesn't know our routine. he doesn't know what outfits she can wear to the playground, and what she can't. He doesn't know how to do her hair cute, or even what brush to use. He doesn't know what ballerina outfit is her favorite. There is lot's to learn! Thank God for cell phones...... I can only imagine there will be ALOT of calling back and forth.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Disappointed.......
Ok, I figured out why I am sooooo upset with Alyssa's actions. I mean, I know I have been there done that (BTDT). I have had my middle of the night adventures of staying out all night, not caring what mom and dad thought. I was 16 at one point, not afraid of anything. I was with my friends, I felt like nothing could go wrong. I felt safe. And I didn't have the sense or respect to wonder about my mom, her realizing I hadn't come home yet when I should have been home hours before, safe in my bed. At the time, it didn't faze me.
The reason I am so upset? Because Alyssa is so much smarter then I was at that age. Everyone in the family knows how intelligent she is. I never made great grades. I barely passed with D's. She is used to bringing home A's and B's. She is better then this. SO MUCH BETTER. I do understand what she is going through, with boys and school and being a teenager. I was there one time, I know exactly how hard it is to deal with things! She doesn't even know how lucky she has it right now, and that pisses me off.
She never had to go to 4 highschools in 3 DIFFERENT states. She never had to say goodbye to best friends, and first loves. She never had to be the "new kid" in school and know how it felt to sit alone at lunch, eating by yourself. She has never known how it feels to move into a new unfamiliar home, no place to truly call your own.
She was lucky enough to get braces at such a young age! OMG, to have straight beautiful teeth is a dream of mine. I don't know what that feels like, she does. She has lived in the same house in the same town for a very long time now, a house her parents own. I never had that. Her parents take her on vacations every year. Didn't happen much here.
Am I bitter and angry? Nope, not one bit. I was a bratty kid and a horrible teen, I didn't deserve great things. Alyssa has ALWAYS been such a good person. My mom and dad did the best they could (and I'm surprised they didn't kill me growing up- I would have deserved it). April and Chris do the best they can, I know they do. And they are damn good parents, who love and adore thier children. They try to give the kids the best in life. I mean, for God's sake, Alyssa has a car sitting in the driveway!!! HER OWN FREAKING CAR, for free....... but has no initiative or drive to get a license. That just stuns me. If I had been so lucky to have my own car at 16, I would have been one estatic teen, license in hand.
My parents lost so much respect for me on many occasions. Knowing what I know now, and all of the dangers out there, I wish I could take it all back. I was an idiot, I was stupid. I deserved no respect for all the crap I pulled. I can't apologize enough for what I put my parents through. I know there were times that my mom cried about me (and ugh, just thinking about it breaks my heart), and was so frustrated and at the end of her rope. But she NEVER once gave up on me. If I wasn't so selfish and could see the hurt and anger both my parents went through over me, I wouldn't have done any of it. And it's not only because I am a parent myself I can say this.... it's because I am an adult. Alyssa may think she is an adult, but my oh my, she has SOOOOO much growing up to do.
I had tough love growing up. I was grounded alot. I thought life wasn't fair. I thought my parents hated me and only lived to make me miserable. Well guess what? I got over it! At some point, I realized it wasn't all about me. To have made my mom almost call the police once when I was 15 and didn't come home all night, her trying so hard to remember what I was wearing so she could discribe it to the police? 100% UNACCEPTABLE. To this day when I think about that morning, and how much my mom was crying and screaming at me, it still brings me to tears (wiping away tears now). I wish I had never put her through that pain.
My past actions, allthough not acceptable, were not quite the shock to anyone. Alyssa's actions? Complete shock. Like I said, she is better then that. I have only been disappointed in her one other time, and that was during last Mother's Day. She does have quite the cheeky mouth and could use a bar of soap in it once in awhile. But this takes the cake.
Sigh.......
The reason I am so upset? Because Alyssa is so much smarter then I was at that age. Everyone in the family knows how intelligent she is. I never made great grades. I barely passed with D's. She is used to bringing home A's and B's. She is better then this. SO MUCH BETTER. I do understand what she is going through, with boys and school and being a teenager. I was there one time, I know exactly how hard it is to deal with things! She doesn't even know how lucky she has it right now, and that pisses me off.
She never had to go to 4 highschools in 3 DIFFERENT states. She never had to say goodbye to best friends, and first loves. She never had to be the "new kid" in school and know how it felt to sit alone at lunch, eating by yourself. She has never known how it feels to move into a new unfamiliar home, no place to truly call your own.
She was lucky enough to get braces at such a young age! OMG, to have straight beautiful teeth is a dream of mine. I don't know what that feels like, she does. She has lived in the same house in the same town for a very long time now, a house her parents own. I never had that. Her parents take her on vacations every year. Didn't happen much here.
Am I bitter and angry? Nope, not one bit. I was a bratty kid and a horrible teen, I didn't deserve great things. Alyssa has ALWAYS been such a good person. My mom and dad did the best they could (and I'm surprised they didn't kill me growing up- I would have deserved it). April and Chris do the best they can, I know they do. And they are damn good parents, who love and adore thier children. They try to give the kids the best in life. I mean, for God's sake, Alyssa has a car sitting in the driveway!!! HER OWN FREAKING CAR, for free....... but has no initiative or drive to get a license. That just stuns me. If I had been so lucky to have my own car at 16, I would have been one estatic teen, license in hand.
My parents lost so much respect for me on many occasions. Knowing what I know now, and all of the dangers out there, I wish I could take it all back. I was an idiot, I was stupid. I deserved no respect for all the crap I pulled. I can't apologize enough for what I put my parents through. I know there were times that my mom cried about me (and ugh, just thinking about it breaks my heart), and was so frustrated and at the end of her rope. But she NEVER once gave up on me. If I wasn't so selfish and could see the hurt and anger both my parents went through over me, I wouldn't have done any of it. And it's not only because I am a parent myself I can say this.... it's because I am an adult. Alyssa may think she is an adult, but my oh my, she has SOOOOO much growing up to do.
I had tough love growing up. I was grounded alot. I thought life wasn't fair. I thought my parents hated me and only lived to make me miserable. Well guess what? I got over it! At some point, I realized it wasn't all about me. To have made my mom almost call the police once when I was 15 and didn't come home all night, her trying so hard to remember what I was wearing so she could discribe it to the police? 100% UNACCEPTABLE. To this day when I think about that morning, and how much my mom was crying and screaming at me, it still brings me to tears (wiping away tears now). I wish I had never put her through that pain.
My past actions, allthough not acceptable, were not quite the shock to anyone. Alyssa's actions? Complete shock. Like I said, she is better then that. I have only been disappointed in her one other time, and that was during last Mother's Day. She does have quite the cheeky mouth and could use a bar of soap in it once in awhile. But this takes the cake.
Sigh.......
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Another Chilly Day!
Mother Nature has been good to us. The past 2 days have been chilly, and today it rained all day (well, I could have done without the constant rain, but I am not being picky!). I love sweater weather so much! I am a fall/winter girl. I love getting all toasty in a jacket or sweater, and wearing a scarf around my neck. I love all the leaves that fall, only meaning the holidays are getting nearer everyday! I love Halloween and Christmas the most out of any other holidays. Then we have my birthday (no, getting older is not really an exciting event, it's just I have always loved my birthday right before Christmas.....and since I have to have a birthday, I am glad I got the one I did- thanks mom, hehee).
Then in January, my baby girl's birthday! I love planning her party! That is the best part. And when it comes to her birthday presents and party, money is never an issue with her daddy :). He always let's me choose what kind of party to throw her, and her b-day presents. I can't wait to start planning her big 0-4 birthday!
I just love looking forward to the chilly weather and what's to come. I never look forward to summer months, especially out here where the humidity gets bad. I love sleeping with blankets, and cuddling with my girl (and guy!) without getting hot!
Bring on the fall, Mother Nature! I am always ready :)
Monday, August 20, 2007
Happy Birthday DAD!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Stuff and Jeff.....
Not too much going on around here lately. Just cleaning and organizing our place. It's coming along very nicely, if I must say. It's getting easier letting go of old stuff. Stuff I haven't seen, or used in years. I used to be the worst packrat, saving things "just incase". Clothes I am too heavy for, just incase I finally lose weight. That old concert ticket stub from 2002 that I will do what with, when? It feels good to let go of alot of things. I feel like I am living in chaos when we have so much stuff. If we had a bigger place, then maaaaaybe I'd hang on to some of it for a bit longer, but we don't.
OK, so Jeff is getting married ALOT sooner then planned. I am just soooo excited for him, because he seems finally happy. But I am also *very* disappointed that we can't afford to fly out for it. I want SOOOOOO badly to be out there, I am just so upset that they changed the date. Just gives me yet another reason to hate living out here. Jeff is my closest sibling, and I feel so heartbroken we won't be there on one of the most important day of his life :(.
It's 2:52 am and Ella is crying......I'll finish more tomorrow.
OK, so Jeff is getting married ALOT sooner then planned. I am just soooo excited for him, because he seems finally happy. But I am also *very* disappointed that we can't afford to fly out for it. I want SOOOOOO badly to be out there, I am just so upset that they changed the date. Just gives me yet another reason to hate living out here. Jeff is my closest sibling, and I feel so heartbroken we won't be there on one of the most important day of his life :(.
It's 2:52 am and Ella is crying......I'll finish more tomorrow.
Friday, August 10, 2007
60 Degrees today.....in AUGUST!
Rainy, chilly, no sun in sight. Such a perfect day! I love sweater weather!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
What happened to my baby???
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Not the best of moods....(just a friendly warning)
It's 1:34 am, and AGAIN I cannot sleep. I am tired, but when I actually lay down to sleep, I am always wide awake. This gets old day after day. But then again, that is my life. Day after day after day, same old crap. I have so many emotions and thoughts right now, but I don't know where to start. Guess I'll start with living in Newark......
I hate it here. This city sucks, and with 3 murders this past weekend (60 since the beginning of the yr.), it doesn't make me like it any better. Now don't get me wrong- living thisclose to Manhattan rocks, but we rarely go there. We rarely go anywhere anymore. I just want to move away. Far, far away. I am a West coast girl, I love California (or anywhere near there). I love Salt Lake City (didn't when I lived there, but I so despertely miss the familiarity of it all). I love anywhere but here. I don't want to raise Ella here. People are disrespectful, rude, and just plain disgusting. Everywhere I go, people spit on the sidewalks. Every shop I go to, the cashiers couldn't care less, they will continue with what they are doing while ringing me up (talking on the phone, gossiping with other workers, etc...). On the city subway, mom's are yelling and screaming at thier smal children, because I guess they are having a bad day and enjoy taking it out on them. These scenes happen ALL THE TIME. I am just so sick of it. It kills me to see the poor child, hiding his tear streaked face in embarrissment, because his mom is angry at life. I wish I could take that kid away and give him a better one. But I can't even seem to be able to take care of my own kid and give her the life she deserves.
While in Ireland 5 years ago, I fell in love with the small town Irish living. I remember we were driving down a long country road one gorgeous sunny day, and passing a father and young son and thier many cows. The young boy waved and smiled as we slowly drove by. That was one of my favorite memories of all time. A life on a farm in the Irish countryside. Makes me wish on occasion I had that life! Sure, it would be hard for me NOW to live like that, but if I were raised on a beautiful Irish farm, I wouldn't know any better :). It just seems so peaceful.
I hate living in the "future". When Johnny gets his raise, when we go on a trip, when we do this and that, blah blah blah........always WHEN. When it happens. This time last year I thought our finances would be so much better, and we would stop using the word WHEN. I want to live in the hear and now. I swear, most days I feel life is passing me by :(. I have accomplished absolutely NOTHING this year (so disappointed in myself). Most everyone else in my family has, and I feel a little left behind. Both brothers are engaged (so excited for them!), my nephew is moving out of state (yeah Brian!), and my mom started a great new job she loves (VERY proud of you, mom!). But when I look back, I haven't done much of anything. Oh well, such is life. Depression sucks when it takes over your life. I need to get out of this ugh state I have been in. I want to feel good about life. I want to feel good at being a great mom. And I desperetely want to feel good at being a great wife. I don't feel good at much of anything lately, especially the last two things.
Ok, it's 2:10. I am going to attempt falling asleep. On these sleepless nights, morning comes all too soon.
I hate it here. This city sucks, and with 3 murders this past weekend (60 since the beginning of the yr.), it doesn't make me like it any better. Now don't get me wrong- living thisclose to Manhattan rocks, but we rarely go there. We rarely go anywhere anymore. I just want to move away. Far, far away. I am a West coast girl, I love California (or anywhere near there). I love Salt Lake City (didn't when I lived there, but I so despertely miss the familiarity of it all). I love anywhere but here. I don't want to raise Ella here. People are disrespectful, rude, and just plain disgusting. Everywhere I go, people spit on the sidewalks. Every shop I go to, the cashiers couldn't care less, they will continue with what they are doing while ringing me up (talking on the phone, gossiping with other workers, etc...). On the city subway, mom's are yelling and screaming at thier smal children, because I guess they are having a bad day and enjoy taking it out on them. These scenes happen ALL THE TIME. I am just so sick of it. It kills me to see the poor child, hiding his tear streaked face in embarrissment, because his mom is angry at life. I wish I could take that kid away and give him a better one. But I can't even seem to be able to take care of my own kid and give her the life she deserves.
While in Ireland 5 years ago, I fell in love with the small town Irish living. I remember we were driving down a long country road one gorgeous sunny day, and passing a father and young son and thier many cows. The young boy waved and smiled as we slowly drove by. That was one of my favorite memories of all time. A life on a farm in the Irish countryside. Makes me wish on occasion I had that life! Sure, it would be hard for me NOW to live like that, but if I were raised on a beautiful Irish farm, I wouldn't know any better :). It just seems so peaceful.
I hate living in the "future". When Johnny gets his raise, when we go on a trip, when we do this and that, blah blah blah........always WHEN. When it happens. This time last year I thought our finances would be so much better, and we would stop using the word WHEN. I want to live in the hear and now. I swear, most days I feel life is passing me by :(. I have accomplished absolutely NOTHING this year (so disappointed in myself). Most everyone else in my family has, and I feel a little left behind. Both brothers are engaged (so excited for them!), my nephew is moving out of state (yeah Brian!), and my mom started a great new job she loves (VERY proud of you, mom!). But when I look back, I haven't done much of anything. Oh well, such is life. Depression sucks when it takes over your life. I need to get out of this ugh state I have been in. I want to feel good about life. I want to feel good at being a great mom. And I desperetely want to feel good at being a great wife. I don't feel good at much of anything lately, especially the last two things.
Ok, it's 2:10. I am going to attempt falling asleep. On these sleepless nights, morning comes all too soon.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Our Daily Ritual
Me: "what is your name?"Ella: "E-L-L-A, Ella"
Me: "how old are you?"
Ella: "3"
Me: "where do you live?"
Ella: "In Jersey!"
Me: "where do you want to go?"
Ella: "to FUNKY TOWN!"
Heehee, she is such a nut!
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